I have been a bit absent in blogs and social media posts for the past week and a bit and I guess it’s because I literally haven’t had the time or energy to do one. I feel like my energy has been drained out of me by a screaming, non sleeping little teething ten and a half month old. There were a few days where I couldn’t do anything, Theo wouldn’t sit down on his own, wouldn’t let me bath him, wouldn’t sleep let alone let me go to the toilet or shower without having tantrums. I never knew babies had tantrums! I thought it didn’t start until they were at least 18 months, but boy I was wrong! Now I know some of you Mum’s reading this multiple children are like ‘just you wait’ and that’s fine. I think you are amazing, but this is where I personally am at right now and I’m struggling a little, so I guess this blog is just bit of vent and an update on where I’m at right now.
I have always had to deal with a bit of anxiety and I thought I had a hold on how to control things and felt like I was in a really good place, but then bam! Hello crazy, emotional, anxious, yelling, panic attack having me. I know that hormones have a huge part to play with my anxiety as It always rears its ugly head right around the time of my period and then settles right down a few days after Aunt flow leaves the building. It just so happened that this month the week of hormonal hell fell in line with one of the worst weeks I have ever seen my son, I have also been bogged down with so much to do with my business. I am a control freak and the fact that I couldn’t get much (if any) work done because of a screaming baby made my stress levels peak to max. The house has been a mess as well as once again; I haven’t been able to do anything. When my house is messy my mind is as well. So if anyone feels like coming and cleaning my place, go for it! Just kidding, but seriously.
Sleep.. What even does that mean? Theo has slept through the night a handful of times throughout his whole 10 and a half months of life, my body has gotten use to living off an average of 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night. But this past week I feel as if I didn’t sleep at all. Even when he did sleep it was only because he was attached like a little leach to my breast, where every so often he took a big hard bite at my nipple. My gosh it hurts! I’m not going to lie, he has had a few sudden little smacks purely because of a reflex from the horrible pain! I always feel terrible afterwards as I know he doesn’t mean to cause me pain but my gosh babies teeth are like sharp little razors that grip, and then they lock and pull back! All I can say is, I have had to check my nipple was still there a couple of times. During those few days when his teeth were trying to poke their little heads through the gum and the biting was in full force I honestly felt like just giving up breastfeeding, 10.5 months is pretty good I reckon. However now they are through he has stopped the biting and all is beautiful in breastfeeding land again so I’m going to stick to the goal of 1 year, but who knows we may go longer or he might start the biting act again soon and that will be the end. I’m just taking one day at a time at the moment.
I guess I just have to deal with the fact my son doesn’t like to sleep, my house will be messy and that I can’t get things done like I use to and simply put: life goes on. As mothers we just have to keep moving forward. I know that our minds are powerful. I know that if I dwell in a negative thought my day turns to crap. I have had a few breakdowns recently where I have had to lock myself in a room and have a big ol’ sob, I have had a panick attack over something so small because I worked myself up so much and got stuck in a dark place where I didn’t even know how to get out. But the reality is once I get a grip on how amazing my life really is and how fortunate I am to live in a wonderful Country, that I have an awesome husband, beautiful healthy baby boy, a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, a car, a job and my health I know that everything will be just dandy. I am a firm believer that God has everything in control and I just need to learn to let go. There is no need to worry if I don’t tick everything off of my list or if my son doesn’t sleep during the day. I’m done with fighting for things to be perfect. Life is to precious and I think it’s time to start living it as a fearless and gracious mama bear.